Introduction: Take the path they didn't -- What is the problem to which marriage is the solution? -- Storytelling: There's an arc there, somewhere -- Hit send now -- You can be right or you can be happy -- Expectation vs. reality -- Tight grips and loose arms -- Reading minds and accepting appearances -- Everyone's fucking the nanny -- Gratuitous time-out: and yes, I meant everyone is fucking the nanny -- Married people: pretend you're not -- Go without or go elsewhere -- Did you spend more time shopping for your car or for your spouse? -- Actually, past performance is indicative of future results -- The five kinds of infidelity -- Infidelity type #3: the mistake -- It's so much easier to change the other person -- Gratuitous time-out: Lie to me; everybody else does -- The you, the me, and the we -- If we were designing an infidelity-generating machine, it would be Facebook -- One of the pillars of marriage is sex -- We know what we know until we may not want to know it -- Gratuitous time-out: I love my job, except for when I hate it -- You never go to bed with just one person -- Divide and conquer -- What you're getting and what you're giving -- The myth of the perfect parent -- You divorce who you married -- Gratuitous time-out: The case of the shrinking penis -- Know yourself -- Intimacy weaponized, Part I -- Intimacy weaponized, Part II: Cross-examination -- Argue better -- Gut, heart, and head -- The author of your story -- Who are you? -- Gratuitous time-out: How not to let yourself be cross-examined -- Write a letter -- Yours, mine, and ours: the financial system that works best -- Design, not default -- Acceptance: You have to love the bad parts, too -- The secret that shouldn't be a secret: just give a shit -- Afterword: Cannibals.